Thursday, February 3, 2011

To Say Your Name

She realised that this may well be the last time she would be able to say his name out loud. Maybe hidden in inane conversations. Perhaps, some rare solitary moment. But not as and when she wanted to. Not the way only a lover can say a lover's name. Like a sweet caress... No, she thought. It won't be possible anymore. It hurt her a bit. Which surprised her. She thought she was beyond all pain now. But then again, there is no such thing as comfortably numb, no?

Funny, if you think about it. For she normally didn't feel the need to say his name. But now that that right was to be denied to her, it suddenly seemed as important as breathing. She wanted to fight the world for this. For it seemed cruel that she couldn't even not say his name. He was not in her life anymore. But now, to pretend that he didn't even exist...

And so her soft voice carried out his name. Hesitant at first. Embarrassed at how childish it seemed. But she continued chanting it, and gradually it became a little melody. It made up its own tune. The hesitancy disappeared and an almost melancholic note seeped into her voice. Every letter of the word that was his name rang out clearly, and echoed back to her, filling her soul and heart with something she needed, something which she couldn't name. Her voice moved from nervous to giggly to thoughtful to husky to lugubrious... and then faded away softly.. sinking low till she wasn't sure anymore if she was speaking or simply thinking his name.

Speaking his name was like a soft, gentle touch, a balm to the unhealing wounds, a prayer - but to whom and for what - she had no idea ... but more than anything, it made her cry. After eons of barrenness, it felt strangely uplifting to let tears fall. And in that moment of sorrow - the only emotion which she considered real, after love - she felt at peace. As if he was with her. Finally.