Wednesday, December 7, 2011

To-do

There are things that I have been meaning to do since some time now. Things which are not the normal, ordinary, day-to-day stuff we do. They are ordinary, but they are not something I would put down in my to-do list and then tick off the items one by one with some sense of achievement. I need solitude, I need a sense of space to do them.

I want to cry. To weep bitterly (I am not sure why it has to be bitter - but the word that comes to my mind every time I think about it is this), to let the imprisoned tears be finally free - let them escape and through them somehow find my own sense of relief, of freedom. Free myself of this choking feeling, free myself of this burden which I feel I have been carrying around since forever. I have no apparent reason to cry but since when have tears asked for a reason? The agony of tears is a secret they guard well. 

I wish I could say that one word which I can no longer say. I want to say it softly, reverently. To quietly scream it so my soul can break into a million scattered pieces - or perhaps its already broken and it may finally patch itself up. (I cringe every time I think of this soul-breaking crap - its too dramatic, too cliche. But it somehow feels right). Its strange how much power a mere word can hold over oneself. I still cannot comprehend why the fact that I cannot speak out this word annoys me so. Its like those thorns embedded in my skin. They are insignificant, small, pesky little things. They ought to be incapable of  affecting me in any way whatsoever. And yet they hurt - a dot of pain which has to be removed. But still I wonder, will actually speaking out the word help?

And now that I have some time, some space, tears have betrayed me and the word has gone back to sleep. Ironies of life.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Silent Conversations



After what felt like eons, he finally held her hand. Gently at first, just the tip of his fingers caressing her fingers. Gradually, with every puff of his cigarette, his hold on her hand became more assured. And they sat like that, for what seemed like hours... 

She wished the evening would never end. To sit under the shade of a benevolent tree, letting their coffee go cold, and rain gently cascading from the leaves of the tree... Saying nothing, doing nothing. A beautiful, unbroken silence. As if the silence passed on a secret understanding between them. And they sat like that, holding hands, each afraid to let go. He wondered what she was thinking. That sublime, unfathomable pleasantness, which spread in his heart,did she feel it too? And all this while, she tried to read his eyes, read his heart. She saw a deep happiness there... and something else she could not understand. 

And still it rained, and they sat where they were, cocooned in their world of unsurity and delight, of  silent conversations and a feeling of nothingness...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Perfect Senseless Poem

Corrupted expectations
futile, wrong
I can see the end - or can I?
for I still can't stop

Morbidity shadows me
and I follow melancholy
or is it the other way around?

Life-
not just a cup of coffee you label too bitter
Wishes-
another spoon of sugar
how much is too little?

♥ ♥ ♥

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Melancholic Musings

Sometimes this life, as beautiful and as charming as it may be, becomes dreary and desolate for no one's fault but what lies in the heart and the head. Sometimes it takes all your courage, not to mention all the mesmerising memories of wonderful people who surprisingly love you, to not reach for the lustful steel and caress your wrists with it.

But I miss the steel. I miss the smoke. I miss the carelessness. I miss the surety that all this could end, if I wanted to. Not anymore. For I am tied too much to this world now, and love my loved ones too much to cause them any hurt, any pain. Love makes you free, perhaps, but it binds you too tight, too. Its nothing if not a paradox.

I still have the melancholy. It lingers around me, faithful as a shadow, as a servant of the old. Yet there are times when it becomes the master and I end up writing such lugubrious posts. So, let it be. It will pass. Like life does.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Crap story I wrote long time back

She didn’t want to go the party. Her mood was as jubilant as thunderous clouds and the last thing she wanted was to fake a smile and make polite talk when her very world was falling to pieces around her. But then, she didn’t want people to call her a coward, either. She wasn’t the one to hide, or the one to lick her wounds in private. Rather, she would rub salt on them, so as to keep the pain fresh. Pain made her more determined. He had hurt her. But she wouldn’t let him know that.



So she prepared to go. Clothes were never a hassle before but tonight she wanted to look perfect. Like nothing could touch her. Black was dispensed off as being the color of mourning, and red somehow seemed vampish enough to be worn by a C grade Bollywood starlet – and there will be plenty of them tonight.  Yellow would be faking it too much and white was too demure. And so she picked purple, the elegant, regal, purple...mysterious like inky nights and as enigmatic as the royals who preferred it. 

And when she arrived, one couldn’t help but notice her. She held her own among the glittering, titillating crowd. Her enchanting smile seemed even more enchanting tonight – if that was even possible...and the purple gown gave her a magical, ethereal aura...

He swallowed his scotch in one quick gulp and stole a glance at her. She looked even more invincible, still alive, enticing. After everything. Had he ever really known her? 

Their eyes met and her smile turned mocking for a second, so brief that only he could see it...and suddenly he felt uncomfortable...

Thursday, February 3, 2011

To Say Your Name

She realised that this may well be the last time she would be able to say his name out loud. Maybe hidden in inane conversations. Perhaps, some rare solitary moment. But not as and when she wanted to. Not the way only a lover can say a lover's name. Like a sweet caress... No, she thought. It won't be possible anymore. It hurt her a bit. Which surprised her. She thought she was beyond all pain now. But then again, there is no such thing as comfortably numb, no?

Funny, if you think about it. For she normally didn't feel the need to say his name. But now that that right was to be denied to her, it suddenly seemed as important as breathing. She wanted to fight the world for this. For it seemed cruel that she couldn't even not say his name. He was not in her life anymore. But now, to pretend that he didn't even exist...

And so her soft voice carried out his name. Hesitant at first. Embarrassed at how childish it seemed. But she continued chanting it, and gradually it became a little melody. It made up its own tune. The hesitancy disappeared and an almost melancholic note seeped into her voice. Every letter of the word that was his name rang out clearly, and echoed back to her, filling her soul and heart with something she needed, something which she couldn't name. Her voice moved from nervous to giggly to thoughtful to husky to lugubrious... and then faded away softly.. sinking low till she wasn't sure anymore if she was speaking or simply thinking his name.

Speaking his name was like a soft, gentle touch, a balm to the unhealing wounds, a prayer - but to whom and for what - she had no idea ... but more than anything, it made her cry. After eons of barrenness, it felt strangely uplifting to let tears fall. And in that moment of sorrow - the only emotion which she considered real, after love - she felt at peace. As if he was with her. Finally.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The decade that was...

Looking back at the past ten years of my life... the most eventful, the most life-altering years...its a long journey, and I have tried to remember the best moments, the memorable moments and the landmarks. But memory is always so unreliable. Side-effects of so many birthdays, I presume. So grab some popcorn or your favourite drink, settle down, and let's take a trip down the memory lane... but be warned, it may get exhausting!!




Studying Fine Arts & Psychology. Perspectives about people & life & art. Finally studying something I loved. It made a hell lot of difference to my grades, and hence, my confidence.

Moving to Delhi. The freedom, the struggle, the youth, the fears...
Hostel life. Bliss! Memories to cherish for life. Learnt a lot about relations here. And friendships. And my shortcomings. I still hate myself for how I behaved back then.

Chain-smoking... loving it, then hating it & hence quitting it.
Tasted alcohol. Hated it. Still can't understand its enigma, its importance.
Getting a job - and not getting fired from any job.
Living alone, loathing it, yet surviving it. Not recommended, though.
Doing a call centre job. Screwed me up for life.
Sunk too low... took me ages to crawl back up...
Falling in love...the pain, the hope...and the joy!! :D
Realising that nothing makes you as strong, or as vulnerable as being on love with someone.

Books, books, books... my sanity.
Blogging. I could finally write somewhere else other than my diary. And surprise! People liked reading it.

Making life lasting friendships.
Getting a degree.
Time when life was all about work, work, work and cutting corners to save, save, save. And time when I had the luxury to put my feet up and do - nothing!!!

No longer dependent on anyone's money. Its a great feeling!
Mobile phones. Internet. And free incoming calls. And Skype.
Learning that friends are not for life.
People who came into my life to guide me and then went away quietly. Forever indebted to them.
My brother - we became close once more. Am still amazed how can such a sweet guy be my brother.. one of us must have been adopted!
Finally understood that Family matters...
...and so does money.

Discovered HIMYM. Seriously. God bless Barney for legendary laughs ;)
My faith in God and his funny ways still unshattered. He knows best.
Did pretty much everything I never thought I would do. Found a reason for things I did...
Like getting married.
Understanding life. And the importance of sacrifices and adjustments.
My own home! After years of being uprooted relentlessly - a place called home.
Becoming the part of a new family. And getting so much love I don't think I ever deserved.
Getting valuable lessons. And forgetting them too.
Experienced Bombay Rains. Happiness drizzling on earth.
Faced the fact that some truths were no longer true for me.
Still struggling to be a better person...

These people came into my life - Pranshu (ha ha), Jaya, Divya, Minakshi & Rishi. There are others too. But I cannot live without these. Nopes. They are my lifeline, my everything. They give meaning to the word life.

This list could go and on and on... and perhaps, I may add to it occasionally... but it seems complete as of now. So tell me, what do you think? Did I miss something? And how was your decade?

Some things are too personal to be put in here. So even though they were turning points of my life, I simply cannot write them down here.