Monday, September 6, 2010

To catch a butterfly



trying to make sense of my thoughts...
like catching butterflies...

♥ ♥ ♥

Remember when you were poor? No, not the "out-of-allowance" period. The out of money forever period. Time when you could either eat or recharge your phone and you went for the latter. Time when you skipped numerous parties - even of dear friends because you had no money for clothes or gifts or sometimes, even for the travel. Time when you longed to buy one new book - oh, but one, every month. Time when you wished you had a better pair of shoes. Time when it was your best friend's birthday and you wished her empty handed and even though she said she didn't care you felt dirty, ragged, rotten - and poor.

Time when you went to a parlour, haphazardly, mostly when you had no other choice - you went to a filthy hole of a place, where you were undressed unceremoniously and you suspected that the sheets, the strips, everything was recycled - and you hoped silently that a day would come when you would never need to come to such a  place. Time when you look at the fortunate others with hungry, naked eyes.

Time when you would stay hungry for days and it almost became a new form of mediation ... and only you knew the secret of your smirk when people asked "oh, but you are so slim.. what diet do you follow?" Time when you would  shamelessly time your arrival at someone's house around a meal time so you could have one decent meal that week. Time when you would work overtime in your call center job - not even taking those weekends off - so desperate was the need for money. Time when you felt your soul slipping away but there was nothing you could do about it.

Time changes.

And I am scared of that. I am scared that I will get used to it and then, it will change again. For worse. I have a problem with imagining things to be permanent. In my mind, people I love are forever leaving me or laughing at me or worse, dying, and other such horrible things. In my mind, I am back to where it started. Only its worse. because then I had nothing to lose. It was better then, really. And now that I have so much to lose, everything, in fact, I am scared. I end up doubting my best friends, get insecure of my husband - and money, I can never trust money.

I am afraid that this time when it leaves - I won't be as strong or as I brave as when I was when I was young. For I may get accustomed to the comfort, the luxury. So I refuse to own a car. I refuse to buy every luxury considered a necessity nowadays. (of course I succumb every now and then. I am but human). I try very hard not to take people I cherish for granted. And I panic when I realise that I am doing just that. This constant threat, this constant uneasiness... its like an ache which no one can cure. I sometimes laugh at myself and think that I am too fanciful ... but sometimes... I just wish I could stop worrying.. that childish as it seems, someone could tell me that this life has come with a guarantee. Immature, I know. But I can wistfully wish so, no?

Don't give me advise, please. If you can, share your fears, your stories. Show me how brave you are.

Image via here.