Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dear diary,

I'm left wondering again, what makes me happy. Yesterday, I was gazing longingly at a bright yellow coat and wondering if I could stretch my budget and buy it? But of course I could not. It was from a very expensive brand, and hence unaffordable. But if I could afford, will buying it have made a difference? I really don't know. Maybe, maybe not. Being able to buy it, to wear it, and stay cozy in its warmth would have meant a final goodbye to those days of the past when I was just surviving, hardly able to eat out of my meager salary. Let alone buy some woolens. Of course I have a lot of clothes of the knitted variety. But not the smart ones. Not the kind which make heads turn. Am I too kiddish to yearn for such clothes, even when I know that their charm wont last for long?

Haunting images of my childhood - of those days when my NRI cousins would drop-in, dressed in GAP and Reebok, scented by Marks and Spencer creams and lotions, and be the apple of everyone's eyes - continue to play somewhere in the back of my mind. My own pretty pink frocks faded into oblivion among the crowds of silks and chiffons and herringbones. Cotton, humble enough, melted into the background. The till then dear blue socks felt like an old mumbling bumbling country cousin; lil white mary-janes paled infront of shiny patent ballerinas. My comic books felt dusty and ragged and their Peter Pan with its lovely colors and imported paper glittered with its own magic. They were patted and pecked, their witty lines laughed at, their beauty charming, their manners perfect. Whatever little I had till then, was lost forever.

The yearning of the past was the reason why my heart is still hungry. But can a yellow coat soothe the ache?

p.s.: it's fiction, guys. but whether its based on facts...

23 comments:

Khamakha said...

if i let my imagination run...I d like to think the protagonist looks perfect in whtever she puts on.She wears her thoughts and clothes alike, smart and genuine.
yah probably those pangs of comparison are mostly wht we invite and it's inevitable. It's like a constant fight and guess has a charm of it's own...absent if we had already possessed what they label as perfect and must-have.

Beautiful description though.

Beauty and the BEast said...

I have often wondered whether I shall always be a bit of my past! And then have always been convinced that I shall live life fully only once I have let go of... memories...

•♥•♥[V]♥•♥• said...

i want to say a lot..but i will just sshhh away.

tc sis

Prakhar said...

Very well written...can feel the ache of the little child..

AakASH!!! said...

Of childhood wants,
and adult pangs
Of unfulfilled dreams
that still hang
precariously on
the thin grey line
of what we can't
understand.
Tell-me-more.

Red Soul said...

Beautiful writing. yes, beauty-full. I love this post, really, I've read it like three times by now. :)

its not dark and gloomy, but painfully alive.

one mite feel pained after losing everything, and one might feel totally the same even while having everything. I dont know how much sense this line makes in this context, since we all know those kiddy cousins who know nothing of REAL life will never feel any pain coz they've always been too busy just powdering their cheeks and practising "hi"s infront of the mirror in different voices just to sound cool. ("cool" which they dont even know what it even means! )

p.s. I love the old movies of amitabh bacchan where this rugged, toughened by circumstances hero is always the hero, and those richy rich guys are always something-less-than-hero.

Red Soul said...

i start my diary with "dear diary" too, a lot of times :) jus gives that real close feeling.

rain girl said...

@khamakha... let your imagination run, sweetie. :)

maybe she does wear her clothes and thoughts in the same way, but herself is incapable of realising it. insecurities of the past....

rain girl said...

@B&B...is it really possible to let it all go? some parts..maybe...but what are we, without our past, which shapes us into who we are.

rain girl said...

@V...*hugs* you need not say anything, sweetheart. :*

rain girl said...

@Prakhar.. thank you....and welcome back here :)

rain girl said...

@Aakash..
tell-you-more?
about other yellow coats...
a few more needs
a lot more wants
dreams that die
or hunger that cries...
salty frozen tears
more than she can bear...

rain girl said...

@Red soul..awww you are too sweet :) you captured the essence so beautifully, by saying its painfully alive. and thank you, so much, for this long heart-to-heart comment. it means a lot. esp on this post. *hugs*

and p.p.s.: i know, even i write dear diary sometimes.. :)

meeme said...

We chinese said "drinking poison to relief the thirst". You need more than that. You need to resolve the problem itself but it's the most difficult part, isn't it?

rain girl said...

@meeme..true, true. i like this saying.. "drinking poison to relief the thirst"....

and welcome here... :)

Shoe Girl said...

reminds me of the other day i was speaking to my friends nine year old daughter and telling her, inspite of all the shoes i own, i'd spent my childhood in not more than 2-3 pair of shoes, sneakers that needed to be torn before you'd get new ones, canvas shoes that needed wash after playing in the mud....

memories...:)
catching up on reading ur older posts. I've been away for a while

rain girl said...

@Show Girl.. ah yes, memories...

welcome back :) good to see you here.. :)

hfm said...

For me yellow is the colour of my childhood, I love how beautifully you've captured the smells and memories to be intricately woven into a piece of fiction.

rain girl said...

@hfm... :) why is yellow the color of your childhood? would like to know more...

and thank you so much, for such beautiful compliments .. but this wasn't exactly a piece of fiction.. :)

hfm said...

I don't honestly know why I thought it was all entirely fiction.
I think it's because yellow is my mum's favourite colour, she'd dress me in yellow frocks and my brother in a yellow shirt because the sight of us would make her happy :D
Andd our kithcen has all the appliances in summer yellow, it's so summery even in the gloomy days of Winter.

You're welcome, compliments shouldn't be thanked for- they're given freely and willingly.

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